Girl Scout Cookies
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: "I am in the planning stages of an entrepreneurial project. I need an undercover worker with intelligence, spunk, and female genitalia to infiltrate the Girl Scouts and facilitate the acquisition of the cookies. That's where you come in."  TSP #201
1. Thin Mints

**"Girl Scout Cookies"**

_NOTE: I do not own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It includes the original characters Charlie and Becca Pierzynski (see "The Charlie Arc" for more details). It's rated T for language only. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled._

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><p><strong>Part 1. Thin Mints<strong>

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><p>ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.<p>

_Cartman, his mom, and Becca are at South Park Food Mart, going down the snack food aisle. Becca sits in the shopping cart. Cartman grabs all the different items he wants._

Cartman: Ooh, Twinkies! We're getting low on those… [He grabs three boxes.] And Doritos… I want Nacho Cheese, and Ranch, and Sour Cream…

Ms. Cartman: Now, Eric, we can't buy all of these things. Why don't you pick your favorite flavor?

Cartman: But Moo-oom! I like Nacho Cheese and Ranch and Sour Cream equally!

Ms. Cartman: Oh, all right, pumpkin.

Cartman: Oh! Oh Mom! Oh Mom, Mom! Can I get some Skittles?

Ms. Cartman: But you've already picked out your candies for today, snookum.

Cartman: But Mooo-oom! I want to taste the rainbow! I need Skittles to taste the rainbow!

Ms. Cartman: Well, okay, Eric. But no more junk food today!

_Cartman tosses a few bags of Skittles into the cart._

Becca: I like Oreos.

Cartman: Mom! Did you hear that? Becca wants Oreos! Can we get Oreos for Becca, please?

Ms. Cartman: Sure, sweetie-poo.

Cartman: Sweet. [He adds Oreos to the cart.]

_They reach the end of the aisle. As they turn to go down the next aisle, Cartman sees Charlie in a blue apron, mopping the floor. He looks baffled. Charlie looks up and sees them._

Charlie: Oh, hi, Cartman. Hi, Ms. Cartman; hi Becca.

Becca: Hi Charlie!

Cartman: Um, what are you doing?

Charlie: Oh, I'm mopping. It's how you clean the floor.

Cartman: I know, smart-ass. I mean what are you doing here?

Charlie: Working.

Cartman: Working? Like, as in a job?

Charlie: Yeah, that kind of work.

_Cartman pauses for a moment, then starts laughing._

Cartman: Dude, that sucks ass! That's the lamest thing I ever heard.

Charlie (scowling): Go away, Cartman. We at South Park Food Mart appreciate your business and hope to see you again soon.

_They head down the next aisle._

Becca: Bye-bye, Charlie.

Charlie (calling after them): We'll see how lame it is once I'm paid my $5.50 an hour!

Cartman: Mom, can we get some Thin Mints from the Girl Scouts outside?

Ms. Cartman: Eric, dear, I said no more junk food today.

Cartman: Mooo-ooom! It's not for me, it's for Becca! Becca wants more Thin Mints! Right, Becca? Do you want Thin Mints?

Becca: Yes.

Ms. Cartman: Oh, all right. Two boxes of Thin Mints, but that's all.

Cartman and Becca: Hooray!

_They go to the checkout line. The cashier swipes their items._

Cartman (singing/chanting): I'm gon' to have some Thin Mints! I'm gon' to have some Thin Mints!

_Once they're checked out, he runs outside, smiling. Once he's outside, he stops. There is a table by the exit, but no Girl Scouts and no Girl Scout cookies._

Cartman: Mom!

Ms. Cartman (just coming outside now): Yes, dear?

Cartman: Why aren't the Girl Scouts here?

Ms. Cartman: Oh dear. It looks like Girl Scout cookie season is over, sweetheart.

Cartman: Wha-? Over?

Ms. Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid there will be no more Girl Scout cookies until next year, sweetums.

Cartman (gasping for breath): No—No more—No—til next year?

Ms. Cartman: I'm afraid not, pumpkin. Every year the Girl Scouts sell their cookies for a month or two, then they pack up and stop selling them until the next year.

_Cartman stares at her with an expression of horror._

Cartman: No… more… [bursts into a rage] THIN MINTS! NOOOO!

_He runs at the table and starts beating and kicking it. His mother drags him away. Becca stares on the whole time without saying anything._

* * *

><p><em>That night, Cartman lies asleep in bed, tossing and turning and mumbling to himself.<em>

Cartman: No… Thin Mints… No…

_Cartman dreams that he is falling, surrounded by giant Thin Mints._

Cartman: Yes! Yes! Thin Mints! Yes!

_He lands in a mountain of Thin Mints. He laughs and tosses them in the air. He picks one up and tries to eat it, but as soon as it gets near his mouth, it disappears and he bites into the air. He frowns and tries another one. The same thing happens. He makes several attempts, getting more frustrated each time, but to no avail. Suddenly, several giant Girl Scouts appear around him, standing around him in a circle._

Girl Scout 1: You can't eat that! Girl Scout cookie season is over!

Cartman: No! …B-but, that's not fair!

Girl Scout 2: Only Girl Scouts can have Girl Scout cookies on the off-season.

_They grab giant Thin Mints out of the air and start to eat them._

Cartman: No! Nooo!

_Cartman wakes up._

Cartman: I need Thin Mints.

* * *

><p><em>The next day, Charlie rings the doorbell of the Cartman home. She's got a piece of paper in her hand.<em>

Cartman: Mom, I've got it! Don't get the door! I've got it, Mom!

Ms. Cartman (in bed with a joint): Thanks, boopkins!

_Cartman opens the door. Charlie stands on the step, staring at him with a somewhat confused expression._

Charlie: Uh, I got this note. It said to meet here at 3:30.

Cartman: Yes, come in, come in. [Charlie walks in and Cartman closes the door behind her.] Why don't you take a seat on the couch? Can I offer you any refreshments? Some Oreos, perhaps?

Charlie: Uh, sure, I guess.

_Cartman goes into the kitchen and pulls out some Oreos from the pantry._

Cartman: Would you like a glass of milk with your Oreos?

_Charlie stares blankly in the direction of the kitchen._

Charlie: What do you want, Cartman?

Cartman (chuckling): Oh, Charlie. Does a person have to "want" something to ask his friend to visit and offer her some delicious Double Stuf Oreo cookies? Maybe I just like hanging out with you. You know. We're pals, right? [He emerges from the kitchen with a plate of Oreos and a glass of milk.] Amigos, as they say in Quebec.

_He hands Charlie the cookies and glass. Charlie looks over the glass from the top, then peeks underneath it._

Charlie: Did you spit in my milk or something? You did, didn't you?

Cartman (sighing): You know what? Fuck this. [He takes away the glass and plate. Charlie looks uncertain.] I'm tryin' to be nice, and…

_He walks them into the kitchen and comes back._

Charlie: Wait, I still wanted the—

Cartman: Okay, I'll cut the crap and get down to business. [He stands directly in front of her.] Congratulations. I am offering you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to join me in a business venture. I am in the planning stages of an entrepreneurial project, and I can't do it alone. [He hands her a clipboard with a stack of papers.] My plan is to acquire large quantities of my product for low prices and sell them directly to consumers. As you can see on Charts 1a and 1b, I expect a high demand and large margin of profit for this product.

Charlie: What exactly is the product?

Cartman: Girl Scout cookies.

_Pause._

Charlie: Don't the Girl Scouts sell those?

Cartman: As I explain in Section 3c, page seven, the Girl Scouts only sell their product for six weeks a year. Based on their sales in this short timeframe, coupled with the undeniable deliciousness of the products, I can guarantee that this venture will be profitable. People will buy these cookies, Charlie.

Charlie: So what do you need me for?

Cartman: Well, first of all, I'm going to need someone to do the book-keeping, because shit if I'm doing that. Second, and more importantly, I need an undercover worker with intelligence, spunk, and female genitalia to infiltrate the Girl Scouts and facilitate the acquisition of the cookies. And that's where you come in.

Charlie: So… you don't actually have the cookies.

Cartman: I think you mean I don't have the cookies YET. [He jumps up on the couch next to Charlie and flips to a page on the clipboard.] As you can see here, cookies are produced year-round and stored in special facilities around the country. As a Girl Scout, your mission (should you choose to accept it) would be to gain access to one of these facilities.

Charlie: And why do I have to be a Girl Scout to do this?

Cartman: Ah, you're a quick one, I see. [He pats her on the head. She glares at him.] You see, Girl Scout cookies must be purchased and sold in the name of the Girl Scouts of America. If you were an official member of the Girl Scouts, we could buy the cookies from the storage facility and sell them to people on the off-season, and, technically, it would be legal. We'd start a bank account in your name to do all the transactions and just rake in the dough.

Charlie: You're sure that it's legal?

Cartman: Positive.

Charlie: Because I'm not a dumb-ass, Cartman. If we did all our business in my name, I would end up taking the fall if things, you know… went sour.

Cartman: It's clean. Page 10, Section 5a. Straight off of the Girl Scout website.

_Charlie flips a few pages and reads a bit._

Charlie: Okay. So what's in it for me?

Cartman: Okay, so I want you to know that I'm making you a really generous offer here: I'll cut you in at twenty-five percent of the profit.

Charlie: Twenty-five percent… [Thinking…]

Cartman: Non-negotiable.

Charlie: Make it thirty. If I've got to join the goddamn Girl Scouts, make it thirty.

Cartman: I said non-negotiable, damn it!

Charlie: Make it thirty, or I walk.

Cartman: Fine, go ahead. There are plenty of other potential candidates for this position if you don't want it.

Charlie: Nuh-uh.

Cartman: Uh-huh.

Charlie: Seriously, Cartman. Who else could you possibly get to do this?

Cartman: I said non-negotiable!

Charlie: I called your bluff. Make it thirty.

Cartman: Fine! Fine. [He sighs.] Give me that. [He takes the clipboard and flips to one of the last pages.] Great, now I have to change the terms of the contract… [He scribbles a bit, then hands the clipboard back to her.] Now, if you'll just sign here, we'll be ready for business.

_Charlie hesitates for a moment, scanning over the contents of the contract._

Charlie: Hey, what's that about me giving twenty percent of my income to "the company" in taxes?

Cartman (laughing nervously): Oh… Heh, heh, yeah… That's… that's just a little joke. I'll just… I'll just cross that out, then.

_He crosses something off on the contract. Charlie looks at him suspiciously, then starts to apparently read through the contract more carefully._

Cartman: You'll notice that in Article II there's a confidentiality clause. You will be expected to keep quiet about company business around non-employees.

Charlie (reading): "Especially Stan and Kyle." Why?

Cartman: Because I hate those guys and they're greedy sons-of-bitches. They are not welcome to participate in my company, and if you go yammering to them with your flappy little girly trap, they're going to want a piece of the pie. Metaphorically speaking.

Charlie: My flappy little girly trap?

Cartman: Yeah. I know how you lady-types are; always gossiping and sharing secrets and the like. That's all fine and well in the private sector, but I cannot permit it when it involves the company's intellectual and fiscal propertah.

_Charlie skims through the contract a bit more. She holds up the pen, ready to sign, but she hesitates._

Cartman: Go ahead, Charlie. Money and Thin Mints await you.

_Charlie hesitates a moment longer, then she signs. Cartman smiles and extends a hand._

Cartman: Welcome to the club, sister.

_Charlie smiles and shakes his hand._


	2. The Sexual Appeal Merit Badge

**"Girl Scout Cookies"**

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><p><strong>Part 2. The Sexual Appeal Merit Badge<strong>

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><p><em>The next day, Charlie is in Shelly's room without her hat on, trying to flatten her hair down in the mirror. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk up to the door.<em>

Stan: We're going to the park. Do you want to come?

Charlie: I can't. I'm going to Girl Scouts.

_The three boys laugh. Charlie turns around and scowls at them._

Stan: Oh, you were serious. What the hell are you in Girl Scouts for?

Kyle: Yeah, the Girl Scouts suck ass.

Charlie: Oh, I dunno… [She comes up with an excuse and fires it off unenthusiastically.] ...to make friends who are girls, or whatever.

Stan: That's retarded. Girl Scouts are stupid.

Kenny: (Girl Scouts are the shit. I like the "sexual appeal" badge best.)

Kyle: Don't be a retard, Kenny. There is no such thing as a "sexual appeal" merit badge.

Charlie (looking in a Girl Scout handbook): Uh, wait, actually, there is.

_She hands the booklet to Kyle._

Kyle (reading): This badge is to be awarded to a Scout who frequently displays flirtatious and/or seductive behavior, applies two or more techniques to enhance her sexual appearance (see Appendix B), and successfully displays these characteristics in a monitored public scenario.

Kenny: (Yeah, I think you should try to get that one first.)

Charlie: Shut up, Kenny.

* * *

><p><em>Mrs. Marsh drops off Charlie at Bebe's house for her first Girl Scout meeting.<em>

Mrs. Marsh: Have fun at Girl Scouts, Charlie! I'll be here to pick you up at five.

Charlie: Thanks.

_Charlie walks up to the door and rings the bell. Bebe answers the door. Charlie is grinning. Bebe stares blankly at her._

Bebe: What are you doing here?

Charlie: I'm a Girl Scout now.

_Bebe and a few other girls behind her start giggling. Charlie glares at them as she walks into the house._

Charlie: Why does everyone think this is so funny?

_Bebe's mom walks up to Charlie._

Bebe's mom: Oh, you must be our newest Scout! Welcome! I'm Bebe's mother; I'm your den-mother. Here's your sash and beret.

_She hands Charlie a green sash and beret. Charlie stares at the articles of clothing dubiously._

Bebe's mom: You can go sit with the other girls over there. I'll be there in just a sec to start the meeting.

_Charlie puts on the hat and sash and walks into the next room, where all the girls are sitting in chairs in a circle. She goes and sits in a chair. She twiddles her thumbs, kicks her legs, and looks down. The other girls are chattering and giggling. Bebe's mom enters and starts the meeting._

Bebe's mom: Alright, girls, let's get started. Now, as you all know, we have a new inductee with us today. I believe you all know her from school. Let's welcome Charlie into Troop 616.

Other Girls: Hi, Charlie.

Bebe's mom: Now, let's start our meeting by reciting the Girl Scout pledge! Let's show our newest member how to do the pledge girls. First, let's show her our pledge symbol.

_The girls all hold up their right hands with their first three fingers extended. Charlie does the same._

Bebe's mom: Now repeat after me: "On my honor…"

Girls (including Charlie): On my honor…

Bebe's mom: I will try…

Girls: I will try…

Bebe's mom: To serve God and my country…

Girls: To serve God and my country…

Bebe's mom: To maintain the hearth and home…

Girls: To maintain the hearth and home…

Bebe's mom: To respect the patriarchal order…

Girls: To respect the patriarchal order…

Bebe's mom: And to live by the Girl Scout law.

Girls: And to live by the Girl Scout law.

Charlie (holding up the three fingers): Hey guys… Peel the banana.

_She starts giggling. The other girls stare at her strangely. She clears her throat and puts down her hand._

* * *

><p><em>Later, the group is sitting around in a circle showing off their badges and discussing their progress in gaining more badges.<em>

Heidi: I got my "home-maker's badge"!

Bebe: Well, I'm just one sock away from my "knitting badge," and when that one's done, I'll earn my "Domesticity Super-Badge"!

Wendy: Hey Millie! How's the "sexual appeal badge" coming?

Millie: Not good. I've tried stuffing my bra but it always ends up looking lumpy and fake.

Bebe's mom: Don't worry, Millie. You'll get the hang of it eventually.

Heidi: Hey Charlie! What badge do you want to try and get first?

Charlie: Oh. Um, I don't know.

Red: You should try to get your sewing badge. That one's a lot of fun.

Charlie: What do you have to do?

Red: You have to hand-stitch a pillow and a pincushion, then bring them in to show us!

Charlie: I don't know how to sew.

Bebe's mom: Don't worry, dear. There's a handy little guide on sewing in the Girl Scout Manual. We also have a Girl Scout sewing circle after school on Tuesdays. Would you like to come?

Charlie: Thanks, but I can't. I have work on Tuesdays.

Bebe's mom: Work?

Charlie: Yeah, at the Food Mart on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon.

Bebe's mom: Oh dear. You're much too young to be working, Charlie. Besides, if you stick with the Girl Scouts, you'll never need to work.

Charlie: Why not?

Bebe's mom: We're teaching you all the important skills you'll need to snatch yourself a nice man to support you.

Charlie: But I need money now! Christmas is coming up, and—

Bebe's mom (chuckling): Silly dear. Just "borrow" some money from your daddy, sweetheart.

Charlie: I don't have a dad.

Bebe's mom: Well isn't that just like a man! [To the other girls] See, girls; this is what I've been telling you about. When you get older, don't make the same mistake Charlie's mother made. Find yourself a nice, stable man and lock him in.

Millie: Men are just so fickle.

Bebe's mom: But remember too, girls, that it's a two-way street. A woman's job is to be a mother, a cook, and a housekeeper. A man's job is to support his family. As soon as you stop doing your job, your man will stop doing his.

Girls: Oooohhhh…

Bebe's mom: And that's why we have Girl Scouts.

_Charlie stares at Bebe's mom._

* * *

><p><em>That evening, Charlie is on the phone with Cartman. He's got a pen and a notebook and he's taking down notes on the conversation.<em>

Cartman: So, how was your first little Girl Scout meeting, Charlie?

Charlie: It sucked ass. I had to wear a beret and everything.

Cartman: Oh, how nice. Did you paint your nails and talk about your feelings?

_Charlie sighs and puts her head on her hand._

Charlie: Can we just talk about the cookies?

Cartman: Alright then. What sort of juice did you squeeze out of the den-mother?

Charlie: She didn't want to say much about it. All I could really get out of her was that the closest storage facility is just outside of Middle Park to the east.

Cartman (writing): Good, good, we should be able to work with that. [He stops writing.] And…that's all you got?

Charlie: What more do I need to get? We have a general location, so it shouldn't be hard to find its actual address and a phone number or something.

Cartman: Excellent. Now, we're going to have to have an executive meeting tomorrow afternoon to discuss our preliminary business plan.

Charlie: I have work tomorrow after school until five.

_Cartman lets out a deep sigh and puts a hand between his eyes._

Cartman: My God, you're making this difficult… Fine, we'll wait to have the meeting until after five, but you'd better not be very late.

* * *

><p><em>The next day at three-thirty, the doorbell rings at the Cartman house. Cartman is watching TV with Becca.<em>

Cartman: Mom! Someone's at the door!

_There's a pause. The doorbell rings again._

Cartman: Mom! Go get the door!

_Becca stands up on the couch and looks through the window._

Becca: Oh goody! It's Charlie!

_Cartman gets up and answers the door. Charlie stands outside, looking pissed._

Charlie: Did you get me fired?

Cartman: Huh?

Charlie: Did you call the police and tell them that a nine-year-old was working at the Food Co. so they'd go scare my supervisor and get me fired?

Cartman: Ha, yeah, I wish I thought of that.

Charlie (sighing): Well, since I'm here anyway, can we get this meeting over with?

Cartman: Alright. Headquarters are in the basement. Follow me.

* * *

><p><em>They sit at a needlessly large table in the basement. Each is holding a stack of papers.<em>

Cartman: Alright, first order of business: roll call. Eric Cartman, Founder and President, is present… [He marks something down.] Charlotte Pierzynski, field agent and accountant.

Charlie: [After a pause]…I'm here, Cartman.

Cartman: Excellent. Now let's get down to business. [He stands up. When he talks, it's as if he's addressing a full room, not just Charlie.] I have successfully located the storage facility in unincorporated Middle Park.

_Now, the scene shifts to show Ms. Cartman driving Cartman, Charlie, and Becca. Cartman's voice continues to speak._

Cartman: I made a phone call to the facility and the manager I spoke to was unwilling to do business over the phone. We're going to have to do this thing in person. Step one: stop at the bank to take out a loan and set up an account in the name of Charlotte Pierzynski. [Charlie and Eric sit in front of a desk at the bank. Charlie is filling out some paperwork.] Step two: explain our proposition to the manager, throwing him a bone if necessary. [Charlie and Cartman stand by the desk of a man in an office. Cartman slides two five dollar bills across the desk, and the man's expression changes from one of indifference to satisfaction.] Step three: purchase our first order of the product—Girl Scout cookies.

_The man from before uses a crowbar to open a garage-like storage door. We get a view from the inside as the door rises in front of Cartman and Charlie's faces. They both open their mouths in disbelief. They stand in what is essentially a warehouse filled with Girl Scout cookies._

Charlie: Whoa.

Cartman: It's so beautiful…

_He runs to a massive tower of boxes labeled "Thin Mints" and begins to dance and twirl around with glee._

Cartman: Yes! YES! This is the greatest day of my life! YES!

Manager to Charlie: That boy sure does like Girl Scout cookies.

* * *

><p><em>Ms. Cartman drives Cartman, Charlie, and Becca back home. The trunk is full of boxes of Girl Scout cookies.<em>

Cartman (singing): We are gonna be rich! Girl Scout cookies are awesome! We are gonna be rich! From selling our awesome Thin Mints! Stan and Kyle will be jealous because they totally suck ass!

Becca: Ew! Sucking ass would taste like poo!

Ms. Cartman: It's actually more fun than it sounds.

_The three kids stare at her awkwardly for a few seconds._

Cartman (singing): We are gonna be rich! Girl Scout cookies are awesome!

* * *

><p><em>Cartman and Charlie stand in Cartman's basement, which is full of boxes of Girl Scout cookies.<em>

Charlie: So now what?

Cartman: Now you start posting these around town [he hands her a bundle of large posters].

Charlie: And what are you doing?

Cartman: Taking inventory.

_Cartman grabs a clipboard with a pen. Charlie walks up the stairs and disappears as Cartman taps his chin with the pen._

Cartman: Uh-huh… Yeah, let's see…

_He pauses and looks in the direction of the stairs for a moment. Then he tears open a cardboard box, which in turn is filled with boxes of Thin Mints._

Cartman: Thank you, Jesus.

_He rips open a box of Thin Mints and starts eating them ravenously._


	3. The Girl Scout Law

**"Girl Scout Cookies"**

* * *

><p><strong>Part 3. The Girl Scout Law<strong>

* * *

><p><em>A few days later, Cartman is sitting in the basement in a business suit with a headset on and a telephone nearby, eating a plate of Thin Mints. He has a pad of paper in front of him and he appears to be speaking to a client.<em>

Cartman: So can I put you down for a case of Thin Mints and five boxes of Samoas?...Thank you, Ms. Jenkins; it's been a pleasure doing business with you.

_He pushes a button on the phone to end the call and writes down the order while he grabs another Thin Mint. He then hears the sound of the basement door opening. As Charlie walks down the stairs in her Girl Scout uniform, Cartman grabs the remaining cookies and shoves them in his mouth, hiding them from her._

Charlie: The table is doing great. We sold out already. How is—

_She stares in mixed confusion and disgust as Cartman attempts to swallow his mouthful of cookies. After a moment she walks past him and picks up his notepad. She scans his entries._

Charlie: Wow, we should be about $200 in the black already!

_The phone rings. Cartman answers it, but his mouth is still full._

Cartman (indiscernibly): Hello?

Charlie: Give me that. [She snatches the headset and puts it on.] Hello, you've reached the sales department of GSCV Company, please hold. [She taps a button on the phone. Her next comment is directed at Cartman.] At least try to pretend you're not a disgusting pig around the customers. [She presses the button again.] Thank you for holding. This is Charlie. How may I help you?

* * *

><p><em>A few days later, Charlie walks up to Stan as he sits on the couch watching TV. She's hiding something behind her back.<em>

Charlie: Hey, Stan.

Stan: Oh, hi. What's up?

Charlie: I got you something.

_She pulls out an action figure, brand new, in the box, from behind her back._

Stan: Cool! What's this for?

Charlie: It's because I broke your old G.I. Joe awhile ago. I felt bad so I got you a new one.

Stan: Wow, thanks! But isn't this, like, twenty-five dollars or something?

Charlie: Yeah. I also taped ten dollars to the back of the box in case there were still any hard feelings. I've gotta go. Bye.

_Stan stares at her as she walks away. He then goes to the next room and picks up the phone to call Kyle._

Kyle: Hello?

Stan: Dude, did Charlie say anything to you about robbing a bank?

Kyle: What?

Stan: She just gave me a twenty five dollar toy with ten dollars taped to the back of the box.

Kyle: Wait, there was money-? Holy shit! There's fifteen dollars taped to the bottom of the Scrabble game she just gave me!

_Just then, Kenny runs up to Stan, looking excited._

Stan: Oh, hey Kenny.

Kenny: (I found thirty dollars in the pocket of the coat Charlie just bought me! I'm fucking rich, dude!)

Stan to Kyle: Kenny says he found thirty dollars in the pocket of a coat Charlie bought him.

Kyle: Hey, how come he gets more money than us?

Stan: Probably 'cause he's poor. Right, Kenny?

Kenny: (Probably.)

Kyle: Well… I guess we shouldn't complain about it.

Stan: Yeah, probably not. I just thought it was weird. Bye.

Kyle: Bye.

_Stan hangs up and looks at Kenny._

Kenny: (I fucking love that bitch.)

* * *

><p><em>Later, Stan, Kenny, and Kyle are hanging out at the Marsh house, watching TV. Charlie walks by.<em>

Kyle: Hi Charlie. Do you want to watch Terrance and Phillip with us?

Charlie: Sorry, I can't. I'm going over to Cartman's house.

Kyle: Cartman's house? Again?

Charlie: Yep. Bye.

_She exits the house._

Stan: Wow, Charlie and Cartman sure have been hanging out a lot lately. I kind of thought they hated each other.

Kyle: Me too. I wonder what they're doing over there.

Kenny: (Maybe they're friends with benefits.)

Stan: Huh?

Kenny: (You know; fuck-buddies.)

Stan: Ack, sick, dude.

Kyle: Ha! Could you imagine if Cartman and Charlie were secretly dating? It'd be hilarious, but it's a realistic impossibility.

_They all start laughing. Then their laughter gets drier until they're just frowning. They glance at each other._

* * *

><p><em>Charlie enters the Cartman residence without knocking.<em>

Charlie: Okay, so I—Holy shit!

_Cartman is stuffing his face with Thin Mints. Several empty boxes lie on the floor. Charlie looks completely aghast._

Charlie: CARTMAN!

Cartman (with his mouth full): What?

Charlie: You're eating our profit, Cartman! [She starts flipping through papers in her backpack.] This is why I've been finding those discrepancies in our Thin Mint purchases and sales.

Cartman: Huh?

Charlie: Dude, we spend money to buy the cookies. If we don't sell the cookies, we lose money!

Cartman: …So? It's just a couple boxes.

Charlie: How many boxes have you eaten, Cartman?

Cartman: Three; look, you can count to three, right? One, two, three.

Charlie: Yeah, and before this?

Cartman: Uh, I dunno… Some…

Charlie (shouting and waving her arms): Gah! No wonder we aren't turning the profit we expected! You fat fuck! Do you know what you're doing? You're eating money, Cartman! You're eating my money! Jesus Christ!

_Meanwhile, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are watching them through the window, standing in the bushes in the front yard._

Stan: Dude, what's going on in there?

Kenny: (I dunno, but she looks pissed.)

Charlie: If you want to eat your own money, fine, but you can't eat mine!

Cartman: What do you mean?

Charlie: If you're going to be eating the product, then I want a larger share of the profit.

Cartman: [He swallows the last bites of cookie.] What?

Charlie: I want forty percent!

Cartman: You can't just talk to me about that! As per Article IV, Section B of your contract, all contractual negotiations must be presented to the president in writing.

Charlie: Cartman, I am not going to write you any FUCKING letter about this when you can hear me right now! This is what you get for being fat and impulsive. You give me my forty percent, or I walk!

Cartman: Oh yeah? Well as per Article V, Section A of your contract, you are legally bound to continue employment until the contract expires in six months or your employment is terminated by your employer, you stupid talking vagina!

Charlie: Oh yeah? Because it looks to me like this contract was never notarized by a lawyer, and therefore isn't legally binding, jackass!

Cartman [in low voice]: Holy son of a bitch. [Back to loud volume.] Fine! I'll give you your damn forty percent, you stupid talking pair of yonkers.

Charlie: Hey! Don't you dare objectify or sexualize me, you fucking prick!

Cartman: Oh, so it's okay when YOU do it, then? Fine, I wouldn't expect anything different from a GIANT TALKING UTERUS!

Charlie: UP YOURS, CARTMAN!

Stan: Well, I guess that solves that. She comes over here to fight with him.

Kyle: That's a relief. Let's go play kickball.

_They all get up and walk away._

* * *

><p><em>Charlie is at a Girl Scout meeting at Bebe's house. The girls and Bebe's mom sit in chairs in a circle again. Charlie is slouching in her chair and staring straight ahead with an expression of extreme boredom.<em>

Heidi: …So I finally decided that I thought Craig was cuter than Clyde. But then the next day, Clyde was wearing this new hat and it made his hair look different and it looked really cute—

Red/Bebe: Oh, I remember that!

Heidi: -So now I'm not sure anymore. But I guess, if I had to choose, I'd say Clyde.

Kal: I think Clyde is definitely cuter than Craig. Craig has weird looking freckles.

Wendy: See, I think Craig's freckles make him look cute.

Millie: Me too. I think Craig's the cutest boy in class.

Most of the girls: Oooh!

Bebe: Do you have a crush on Craig?

Millie: Maybe…

_The girls squeal. Charlie continues staring listlessly ahead._

Bebe's mom: What do you think, Charlie? You're the only girl who hasn't weighed in yet on the "Clyde vs. Craig" debate.

Charlie: I don't know.

Bebe (whispering): See? I told you she was a lesbian.

Charlie: Hey, I am not!

Wendy: Then who do you think is cuter?

Charlie: I don't know. Craig, I guess.

Millie: You can't have him! He's mine!

Bebe's mom: Well, this was a close one but… [She stands up. There is a chalkboard behind her with the names "Craig" and "Clyde" with tallies next to them. She marks another tally next to Craig's name] …Craig beats out Clyde at 5 votes to 4! Now for our next order of business. [She erases the chalk board then writes the names Token and Kenny.] Token vs. Kenny: Who is cuter?

_Charlie sighs._

* * *

><p><em>The Girl Scout meeting is over and the girls are leaving. As Charlie leaves, Bebe's mom stops her at the door.<em>

Bebe's mom: How is your sewing badge coming along, Charlie?

Charlie: Oh, I don't know… badly, I guess.

Bebe's mom: Well, since you aren't working at the Food Mart anymore, you really should come to our sewing circle on Tuesdays.

Charlie: Oh, I don't—Wait. How did you know I wasn't working anymore?

Bebe's mom: Well, dear, I was very concerned when you told me you were doing menial labor for below minimum wage at that eccentric old man's shop. I made a few phone calls to make sure you wouldn't be exploited anymore.

Charlie: I wasn't being exploited! I was getting paid! And I didn't care that the job was "menial"!

Bebe's mom: I was acting in your best interest, dear. I'll see you on Tuesday for the sewing circle.

Charlie (walking away, talking under her breath): Fat chance. Bitch.

_After Charlie gets into a car with Mrs. Marsh, Bebe's mom gets out her cell phone._

Bebe's mom: Harry? It's Elise. I've got a Scout you might want to keep an eye on.

* * *

><p><em>Later that same day, Cartman and Charlie are in a screaming match in the basement.<em>

Cartman: STOP YELLING AT ME. I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS COMPANY AND YOU'LL STOP YELLING AT ME, OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL SEND YOU IN THE KITCHEN TO BAKE THESE DAMN COOKIES YOURSELF.

Charlie: I'm not FUCKING yelling at you, fat-ass! I just think that [*] "We Whore Ourselves with Cookies" IS A STUPID SLOGAN FOR A COMPANY THAT SELLS GIRL SCOUT FUCKING COOKIES! CARTMAN! SHUT UP!

[*] Cartman (singing over Charlie): La-la-la-la, I can't hear you because I'm SINGING! I'M SINGING OUR NEW JINGLE! "GSCV COMPANY: WE WHORE OURSELVES WITH COOKIES!"

Charlie: I SWEAR TO GOD! YOU WILL SHUT THE HELL UP OR I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUTS SO HARD YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL FEEL IT!

Cartman: I WILL NOT STAND HERE AND TAKE THIS FROM SOME SKANKY LITTLE BITCH! I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS COMPANY, AND YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!

Ms. Cartman (calling from upstairs): I'm ordering pizza! What toppings would you kids like?

Cartman: PEPPERONI!

Charlie (at the same time): SAUSAGE!

_They glare at each other._

Cartman: WE WANT PEPPERONI, MOM!

Charlie: NO WE DON'T! [*] WE WANT SAUSAGE BECAUSE PEPPERONI TASTES LIKE VOMIT! IT'S LIKE EATING PIZZA AFTER SOMEONE VOMITS ON IT! WE WANT SAUSAGE!

[*] Cartman (yelling over her): PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI!

_There's a pause._

Ms. Cartman: Okay, I'm ordering one sausage and one pepperoni. Would you kids like any breadsticks to go with it?

Cartman: YES!

Charlie: MAKE SURE TO GET A FEW DOZEN EXTRA FOR TUBBY!

Ms. Cartman: Alright, dears. Have fun.

_There's a pause for a moment._

Charlie: You idiot. I bet you're the result of a failed abortion.

Cartman: I am not, you hippie lump of shit! And you're not one to talk! Your mom tried to kill you eight years after you were born!

Charlie: That's it! Once the rest of these cookies are sold, I quit!

_The phone rings. They both grab for the headset, but Cartman gets it first._

Cartman: Hello, you've reached the sales department of the GSCV Company. Please hold. [To Charlie.] Well, fuck you, you little asswipe! I don't care! [To customer.] Hello? Hello, sir? Son of a bitch, he hung up on me.

Charlie: That's because you never pressed hold, shit-brain.

Cartman: Goddamn it! [He sighs.] This is my fault. This is totally my fault. I have no idea why I thought this would work. You are the most ANNOYING, [*] SELF-RIGHTEOUS BITCH I EVER—

[*] Charlie (at the same time): Don't even get me started—

Becca: Stop!

_They both stop mid-sentence and look down in surprise. Becca stands at the bottom of the basement stairs, hugging Mr. Bananapants and teary-eyed._

Becca: Stop fighting. Why are you always fighting?

Charlie: Becca, go upstairs.

Becca: No, Charlie! I can hear you from upstairs. You keep shouting and swearing and being mean to each other. Why do you have to be mean to each other? You're my big sister and you're my big brother. You're both my family. And I don't want my family to fight anymore.

Cartman: Oh, you are SO doing that on purpose! Stop it with the goo-goo eyes! It's not working, Becca!

Charlie: And Cartman is not your brother! He's not family!

Becca: I love you, Charlie. But I love Eric too. Since you and Mommy have been gone, Eric reads me bedtime stories and plays with me. He's silly and he's my new brother, whether you like it or not!

Charlie to Cartman: You… read her bedtime stories?

Cartman (embarrassed): Pffh. Just, you know… just to get her to leave me alone.

Charlie: Awww! That's so sweet!

Cartman: Hey, don't get all mushy and girly on me all of a sudden, jerk.

Charlie (hugging Becca, who is smiling at Cartman): And you called me a jerk instead of a skanky bitch or a talking vagina because Becca's listening!

Cartman (crossing his arms and looking away): Maybe.

Becca: Are you guys done fighting now?

Charlie: Yeah. We're done fighting.

_Becca hugs Charlie with one arm and Cartman with the other. Just then, the fluorescent glow of a spotlight glares through the high-set basement window and the whirring of a helicopter can be heard outside._

Voice in Megaphone: We have the house surrounded! Exit through the front door with your hands and face visible! Do not attempt to escape!

Charlie: Oh, shit!

* * *

><p><em>Charlie, Cartman, Becca, and Ms. Cartman all exit through the front door with their hands up. Three SWAT team members rush over and tackle Charlie to the ground.<em>

SWAT guy: Don't resist; you'll just make it harder on yourself.

_Charlie is cuffed and put in a police car and driven away. The others look confused._

Lieutenant: Are you folks alright?

Ms. Cartman: Yes, I think so.

Becca: Why did they arrest Charlie?

_The lieutenant bends down on one knee and puts a hand on Becca's shoulder._

Lieutenant: Little Charlie Pierzynski has committed a grave offense. By refusing to submit to the will of this young man [points to Cartman] she failed to respect the patriarchal authority.

Becca: …What does that mean?

Lieutenant: I'm afraid Charlie broke the Girl Scout law.

_Dramatic "dun dun dun dunnnnn" music._

* * *

><p><em>It's late. Stan and Kyle are watching the news at the Marsh house.<em>

Newscaster: In local news, a house fire has been extinguished on the west side of South Park. [They show images of the McCormick house on fire.] Apparently, the house went up in flames after an accident in the backyard meth lab. Although the house remains intact, nine-year-old Kenneth McCormick tragically died when, after escaping the home unharmed, he suddenly ran back inside. His last words were allegedly, "Oh shit. I had thirty dollars in my coat pocket," before he succumbed to a number of third degree burns and smoke inhalation.

Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastards!

Newscaster: In other news, South Park's oldest goat, Maybelline, turned twenty-one on Saturday...

_Mrs. Marsh walks into the house, followed by a visibly shaken Charlie._

Kyle to Charlie: Dude, how was getting arrested?

Charlie: It was a bundle of laughs, Kyle. Thanks for asking.

Stan: What did you do?

Charlie: I didn't respect Cartman's authoritah.

_Stan and Kyle glance at each other._

Stan: Really?

Charlie: I broke the Girl Scout Law. I broke the Girl Scout Law and I got tackled to the ground by three heavily-armed 200-lb SWAT team men.

Kyle: I guess they take the Girl Scout Law very seriously.

Charlie: I got to choose between eight months at a Girl Scout detention camp and quitting the Girl Scouts.

Stan: I'm assuming you quit?

Charlie: I had to burn the hat and sash.

Stan: Wow.

Charlie: And the clothes I was wearing under them.

Kyle: Sorry you had to quit the Girl Scouts.

Charlie: Are you kidding me? Girl Scouts suck ass. Plus, now I don't have to hang out with Cartman all the time anymore either.

Stan: What does that-?

Charlie: It's a long story. I'm just glad I can hang out with my real friends again.

Stan: Who?

Kyle: She's talking about us, retard.

Stan: Oh, okay.

_Charlie sits down on the couch in between them._

Charlie: I'm sorry for ditching you guys for the past few weeks.

Kyle: It's okay. Just don't ever give us reason to think you might be secretly dating Cartman again.

Charlie: What?

* * *

><p>THE END<p> 


End file.
